Wolkin's House of Chicken and Waffles (and Comics!)

(This post is part of 8 Nights of Wolkin, my unnecessarily narcissistic semi-exploration of various incarnations of Jews and Judaism in comics, for better or for worse. It’s my way of celebrating Chanukah. That’s how I spell it. Do you have another way of spelling it? I don’t care.)

So I may be short by a day or so on my 8 nights, but here’s a little extra so fill in the blanks: I had a piece up today on ComicsAlliance with their first-ever Chanukah gift list! I think it’s a pretty decent list of Jewish comics, if a little bit incomplete and it’s extra special because of the stupid comments.

Moving on…

Tonight’s installment pulls from everyone’s favorite thing: the Marvel Holiday Special!!! We’re not always lucky enough to get a Chanukah story in one of these, but 1993 was an exception, with a Peter David-penned tale of Leonard “Doc” “I’m the craziest psychologist alive” Samson visiting a classroom at a Yeshiva to tell the students the story of Chanukah.

Two quick things: interesting to see a co-ed classroom in a Yeshiva, which is traditionally an Orthodox learning institution. Boys and girls learning Jewish things together? That doesn’t happen so much. Also weird that they don’t know anything about Chanukah yet.

In fact, these kids don’t seem to know anything at all:

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Colt Hoskins knows what’s in my heart and on my mind:

I’m really going to miss Frankie like this. I did little post-mortem on the Franken-Castle era for ComicsAlliance not too long ago.

(Click here for the Mustache Archive.)

When I was a boy a very little boy I had a giant stuffed goat in my closet. I do not know where this goat came from and I never gave this goat a name but you should know that I loved this giant stuffed goat very much. I would have taken it to bed with me if I could have, but it was too big it was bigger than me and so it stayed in the closet. But the goat was too big for the closet and you could not go into the closet without tripping over the goat so eventually the goat became a problem. My father is into proper storage and he does not like clutter very much but he does love  organized closet space and so over time he came to resent this goat. I do not know if the resentment ever became so great that he had thoughts of violence towards the goat but remember that this is a stuffed goat so that was probably not very likely.

One day my mother and my father had a conversation. I was not a part of this conversation but it is clear to me today that they talked about the giant stuffed goat and how it needed to go. I do not know if my love for the goat came up in their discussion, but you need to understand something: I loved that goat with all my heart.

On another day that was probably not long after this first day, I remember that my mother took me and the goat for a walk. I do not remember if we made any stops on this walk, but we had to have because I do remember that when we returned to my house the goat was not with us anymore and I was a sad sad child. I do not remember receiving any explanation about the goat and as a very young child I am not sure if I deserved one but I know that my sadness my true sense of loss and the utter confusion that came with not knowing the fate of the goat planted a seed inside my psyche that today has blossomed into the full-blown mess that is now my subconscious mind.

On the first day of the convention I was heading to a panel and I was walking towards one of the rooms it was one of the A rooms and then a bunch of people started coming out of A122 and many many of them were holding large stuffed animals mostly dogs and tigers and horses and things like that. I did not see any people holding any large stuffed goats but believe me when I tell you that from that moment on the only thing I could think about was that goat. It was all I could think about for the rest of the convention.

If you saw me at any point after this point you should realize that I was probably thinking about that giant stuffed goat that was taken away from me. Maybe I was friendly to you maybe I was shy maybe I was rude. Maybe we talked about comics and maybe we didn’t talk at all. Whatever it was that we talked about you need to know that no matter what I was saying in my mouth, my heart was crying out for a long lost goat that will never ever be returned to me.

This is an email that I write to my parents about two years ago. It has everything to do with the fact that NYCC starts today. If you do not see the obvious connection, I do not feel the need to explain it to you.

Parents,

I simply insist that we stop by the Cheese Curd Festival in Ellsworth, Wisconsin either on the way to or from camp. Here is the link:http://www.ellsworthchamber.com/cheesecurd.htm.

Very few opportunities like this just fall into our laps. We should listen to the universe and realize that the unique timing means that we aremeant to go to the Cheese Curd Festival.

Dad, the island WANTS us to go to the Cheese Curd Festival. Mom, after an intense year of teaching, you DESERVE to go to the Cheese Curd Festival. Loving son that I am, I refuse to have it any other way.

I only have what is best for the two of you in mind here. There is no self-interest involved in this.

I want to reiterate what is happening here just so that we are clear. Three words:

1. Cheese
2. Curd
3. Festival

Again, allow me to phrase this differently: I am talking about a festival of cheese curds.

Other crucial selling points:

• Someone will be selling something called “chainsaw art”. I don’t know what that is, but I need to find out. I think we all do.
• There’s going to be an ecumenical service. I’m betting there’s no rabbi in Ellsworth and Dad, this is a huge opportunity for you. Given your skills and experience as an orator, I can only imagine the brilliant words that you could offer on the holy wonder that is cheese curds.
• The “Ellsworth Star Search Karaoke Contest” will be taking place. I could finally make it!
• There is going to be a “Washer Board Tournament”. In terms of my feelings on this, please refer to the first bullet point on “chainsaw art”.

I am confident that I’ve made a very strong case for a detour and visit to the Cheese Curd Festival. I can’t possibly imagine what argument you could give me in favor of not going to this glorious event.

Love,

David

So the big news in comics movies this week was the whole thing that Zack Snyder is going to be directing the next Superman movie. A lot of movie people and comics people freaked out on the Internet, because that is how things work.

Presumably, my brother was more excited about this news than a lot of other comics fans because, well…this:

(I love you to pieces, Josh, and you are very much the coolest brother ever, but we will never be on the same page with this kind of stuff. Please forgive me for this and remember that I’m the one losing my hair, not you.)

So I spent a lot of time this week thinking about two things: my early adolescence and some other options for who should direct the Superman film. This is what I ended up with:

(Thanks to Rusty Shackles for the image.)

The movie would go something like this:

Jonathan and Martha Kent are a young couple with a farm in Smallville, Kansas. While they love each other very much, their marriage has lost the fiery passion that it once had, until a rocket crashes in the middle of their fields on one hot summer night. They adopt the powerful baby that they find inside and the newfound addition to their family reignites a powerful lust between the Kents.  They proceed to spend the first third of the movie making love, but the kind of love that you can safely show on HBO after midnight.

In between their love-making sessions, they name the baby Clark and raise him as a normal guy, despite his tremendous powers. He spends most of high school rutting furiously with young Lana Lang, until he moves to Metropolis to become a writer for the Daily Planet. Unbeknownst to his colleagues, he is also fighting crime and saving lives as Superman.

Eventually, Clark falls in love with fellow writer Lois Lane. They have several love scenes, but Lois is hiding a dark secret and is secretly cheating on Clark with Superman. They have several love scenes in between the ones where Lois is making love to Clark. But Clark has a secret of his own, as he is cheating on Lois with Lois as Superman, with a third set of love scenes in between the other two.

Where’s Lex Luthor for all of this? He’s in the corner of the bedroom, watching silently.

Don’t you dare ask about Jimmy Olsen. He’s too young and innocent for any of this.