(Note: The only way to really truly enjoy this comic is to listen to “Heroin” by The Velvet Underground while reading. Now yes, that might seem a little bit on the nose, but I promise you that it’s totally worthwhile. Also, since there’s nothing on this comic saying that its for mature readers, you could argue that it is not not for kids, which technically means that it’s totally for kids, right?)
So I’m pretty sure things can’t possibly get worse for our friend Roy Harper what with the whole losing-an-arm-losing-a-daughter thing but my fingers are crossed that I’m going to be wrong on this one. So let’s see what’s happening here aw man his crazy ex who is also the mom of his dead daughter and is also a woman who killed an entire country this one time is fighting with him and Responsible Roy is thinking about the times that they’ve “made love” oh man this guy is a total mess. So they keep fighting and Roy is like a redhead so suddenly he decides that he’s actually the Carrot Top of turning everyday objects into weapons!
“See this tennis racket? It’s really a force field!”
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Oh wow this is turning out to be anything but a Brightest Day: Titans – Villains for Hire Special
By Eric Wallace and something like 15 artists
Hey guys I know a lot of people have been upset because Brightest Day is actually more like Opposite day but think about it this way Opposite Day was on that show You Can’t Do that on Television and that was pretty awesome when we were kids nostalgia! Also remember that movie Sunshine that was kind of also about a brightest day except everyone in the movie died so you know think about it that way retroactive spoiler alert Bruce Willis was dead the whole time LOL!!!
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Bloodiest Brightest Day #1, by Geoff Johns, Peter Tomasi, Ivan Reis and Patrick Gleason
Page one and these two cops who are basically talking like they live in goddamn Mayberry. Seriously, do real people say things like “darn thing won’t budge” while trying to hump a white lantern out of a big hole? Also if I were a local cop and I lived in a country where they had something like S.T.A.R. Labs and a white lantern just appeared out of nowhere in a crater in my town, I would maybe call the super scientist people, but maybe that’s just me because like 30% of me is a rational person. If I’m going to assume anything from the rest of this book by comparing it to the dead bird first page of Brightest Day #0, then based on this first page right here I’m just going to assume that this issue is going to be pretty tame (OMG SPOILER ALERT IT’S TOTALLY NOT TAME AT ALL HAHAHAHAHA).
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Justice League: The Rise of Arsenal
By J.T. Krul, Geraldo Borges, Kevin Sharpe and Marlo Alquiza
Man I really need to take a shower and I’m pretty sure I’m starting to develop an unhealthy obsession with this Arsenal thing but anyways let’s see what’s gonna happen!!! Aww it looks like Roy is walking down the street with his adorable daughter Lian and they’re going to the toy store but turn the page and oh crap the city is falling apart run away Roy and Lian run away but you can’t run away fast enough and they fell but Roy has Lian by the arm, but uh-oh…
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Subtlest Brightest Day #0
By Geoff Johns, Peter J. Tomasi and Fernando Pasarin
Ok, let’s see here it’s a new day and that usually means good things especially when it’s right after a blackest night because it’s always darkest before the dawn or something like that. I’m feeling pretty lonely lately because I haven’t been on a date in a while and my shrink says I really need to get out there so hopefully it’ll be a bright new day for me too. So the sun is out and awww there’s a nice little nest of birds and they’re chirping and wait oh my god one of them just fell and oh god oh god he just broke his little bird face open and died on this big piece of rock this does not seem like a bright day at all, this is basically an alternate origin for Dick Grayson I think.
Oh hey it’s Deadman and he’s in a cemetery how about that? That’s pretty…subtle. But Deadman is totally alive now and wait I get it that bird just fell and died by hitting his head on Deadman’s headstone. I bet that’s significant in some way. Anyways Deadman is staring at his headstone and thinking his life story at us “They called me Deadman” NOT ANYMORE MR. I’M ALIVE NOW AND I’M TOTALLY COOL WITH VANDALIZING A CEMETERY BECAUSE I’M HAVING A LOT OF FEELINGS. Then Ghost Dad or whatever the hell he’s called picks up the dead bird and oh damn it’s alive now so the guy called Deadman now has the power to give life DRAMATIC REVERSAL FOR EMOTIONAL IMPACT. Now he’s getting shocked with the white lightning and some voice is saying help me and it says that his powers are unknown but if I had to take a guess I’d say his new power is the ability to narrate a comic book.
Let’s turn the page what’s up Mera all up in bed but where did Aquaman go? Pan out and you’re apparently sleeping in a lighthouse with broken windows POWERFUL SYMBOLISM Aquaman’s outside staring at the water and complaining about the fact that he’s alive and hey let’s celebrate! Mera wants to go swimming but the guy called Aquaman is afraid of the water because he was a zombie before except I don’t remember the zombie swimming. Anyways now that I’ve read this like three times it seems a whole lot like a cialis advertisement. Oh, hey someone needs to take out the trash and you know what it’s your turn Zoe I do it every week.
Now we’re in Iron Heights penitentiary and it looks like Deadman is on a field trip but spooky no one can see him and hey here’s the back to life Flash and he’s visiting the back to life Captain Boomerang and it seems like Flash basically just broke into his cell to remind Boomerang that he better respect the prison and not try to escape I guess that makes sense. Now we’re visiting the Hawkpeople! They’re remembering all of their different incarnations and the many different ways they cuddled like in that movie the Fountain but now they’re going at it wait they don’t take their wing harnesses off when they make love so they’re kind of like furries that’s strange. Oh damn Hawkman is freaking out because all of his past selves are basically watching him make out and he’s got performance anxiety so he should probably call Aquaman why the hell is this book about ED? Anyways it looks like this and it’s totally creepy:
I don’t know about you guys but I don’t think I could get down if I felt like I was in the Past Lives Pavilion from Defending your Life. Also I just realized that they lit like 2,000 candles so it seems like they were planning a romantic evening and they decided to warm things up by talking about the many times they’ve been killed in the past which is maybe sexy or something if you’re into Nth metal maybe we can ask Doc Savage about that during the next episode of Savage Love GET IT? Now Hawkman is all sad because they keep getting killed throughout history but his lady is all like “It’s time to start living” REFLECTION AND INSPIRATION if there was a sappy soundtrack to this it would be a violin punching me in the stomach did I miss my mother’s birthday again? Oh no never mind it’s in May but this is starting to hurt my brain maybe I’ll go eat a muffin…
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