Category Archive: Dispatches from Comic Con

My Final Dispatch from Comic Con

It is over I am over and I am inside you and I finally understand that this was never about comics or movies this was about turning a a building with 100,000 people in it into a giant game of Wooly Willy and if you could see the whole thing from above which i was able to do when I accidentally ate volume 6 of the Invisibles and it popped open my third eye and so i saw it and so i understand but you do not understand no one understands this but me. The exhibition hall is set up to look like a giant face from above and the marvel and dc booths are the mouth and the small press are the freckles i dont know who the eyes and nose are but i promise that it all makes sense. So what happens is the companies have their signings and their freebies and their EXCLUSIVE announcements and it makes the people move around in such a what that when you look at it from above the comics illuminati are just putting different haircuts and beards and mustaches on their boothface and they are laughing at us so hard while they throw their old crap at us and we give them our money so much money but what we are really giving them is the power of story and we need to take it backstreet boys.

this is a real thing that happened to me today: for reasons that i can’t explain  in public i had to stand at a booth in a crowd of marvel zombies fans for what seemed like hours while i waited for an IMPORTANT EXCLUSIVE ANNOUNCEMENT and while i stood there a man danced in front of them with free toys and posters and skins skins skins for your phones phones phones and ive never seen people behave this way but i have it was like youre in fifth grade and theres that one teacher who gives you candy if you get a question right which is relatively effective in its own way but completely inappropriate from a pedagogical perspective but all the kids raise their hands and they shout ME ME ME because they want some candy this was just like that except it was mostly grownups who wanted some free action figures. And as I stood there I realized that these people were giving marketing man so so much power and he toyed with them and i just stood there and there was nothing i could do because i had to be there for other reasons and they made us wait so long and so i started writing things angry things in my phone, but i didnt mean them but honestly when people even hygienic people have been crowded in a place like this for so long anyone starts to smell a little bit and thats normal but why would they ask all of these people who smell a little funky including me to raise their arms its just a bad idea so i asked my phone why but what i didnt realize was that some horrible woman was looking over my shoulder and READING MY PHONE LIKE AN AWFUL PERSON and then she leaned over my shoulder and whispered into my ear “well maybe you should ask yourself what youre doing here” and for a good moment i really wondered if that voice was inside my head like all the others but then i turned around and i only saw her back because she was running away. i know exactly what she was feeling at that moment it was that little burst of energy and pride when you get someone in the goat except all she succeeded at doing was making a sad crazy angry man sadder crazier and angrier while acting like a coward at the same time. this happened it really happened when did i start writing like james frey oh god dont accuse me of making this up i mean i made up the rest of it kind of a little bit but this last part did really happen.

Dispatches from Comic Con #5

buh

Dispatches from Comic Con #5

The following words are meant to be read to the tune of “We Didn’t Start the Fire” by Billy Joel:

hot dog

pretzel dog

joe kelly’s bad dog

furries on the mezzanine

body odor body odor oh my god so much body odor forget about you billy joel this isn’t about you billy joel im not playing your song at my daughters bat mitzvah i dont care how bad you think you need to get back into the musical consciousness of the younger generation.

my phone is broken it may be more broken than me i cant fix it can you fix me.’bewwwww

pikachu pikachu captain america

this is a real thing that happened i was in the bathroom and this guy at the urinal said are you here for the con and i said yes and then he said are you a professional and i said barely and then he took out his card while we were in the bathroom and it was so uncomfortable and he wouldnt stop talking he wouldnt stop and then he kept talking to me outside of the bathroom so then i figured i needed to get him away from me EXCLUSIVE FREE GIVEAWAY TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT ALL AND PUT IT IN YOUR BIG BAG YOU ARE SHEEP EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU AND I WILL BE YOUR SHEPHERD FOLLOW ME so i started pitching the guy i was just like pitching i was like “okay check this one out its a comic based on that show in living color but the fly girls are the central characters but theyre not actually drawn as humans they are stick figures made out of beef jerky but then in issue two macho man randy savage comes after them and tries to eat them and says SNAP INTO A FLY GIRL what do you think what do you think i will give you my business card and we will exchange messages what do you think” and then he stared at me and he said “i dont understand what you are saying” and i said “if you dont understand what i am saying then how much could you possibly really know about comics?” and then i took his business card and then i made him watch as i crossed out his name and wrote “Beef Jerky Fly Girl” and then i told him that this would be his name from now on and if he tried to tell anyone otherwise then I would know and his career would be over so over.

Dispatches from Comic Con #4

When I was 19 years old I did a very stupid thing and I pledged a fraternity when I was in college and then they had this week where they were horrible to us and one night i was blindfolded and had to stand in the corner of a basement for 7 hours while they played that song the end by The Doors from Apocalypse now and I thought that was the worst thing that ever happened to me until today why are you wearing a kilt sir who would bring a newborn baby into this place do you know what this place is?

This place is an equation:

the hottest, most crowded day at the amusement park with the bad rides + an airport on thanksgiving and christmas + jonathan lipnicki + that state fair that you went to when you were a kid and you won a cool teddy bear but then you got lost and you couldn’t find your parents and you got scared and anxious and your chest got tight and you were about to cry like you never cried before and the second before you completely broke down you turned around and your parents were right there to hug you and it was all okay + imagine that last part except at the end you turn around and your parents are mad at you and they yell at you for getting lost and they take away your new teddy bear and throw it in the trash + that time when i realized that chasing amy isn’t a very good movie at all which was about five minutes after i left the theater but then i kept watching it i kept watching it because comics comics comics comics = SDCC

This thing that I just wrote it is math it is my proof that this place is one thing and one thing only:

IT IS ANTI-LIFE.

I saw Mick Foley and Jill Thompson hanging out together at a booth today and nothing has really made sense after that.

Dispatches from Comic Con #3

Oh my god is that a pimple I don’t get pimples am I starting to turn into these people like in that All Star Superman issue with the Bizarros I woke up this morning and all of my shirts had turned into Hawaiian shirts who am I who am I. I called my parents last night to say hello but then I started imagining that it was one of those times when I was a kid and I went to sleep over at a friend’s place but I got scared of being in a new place and I got scared and I couldn’t sleep and I called my parents and started crying I said “I don’t want to be here I don’t like it here I want to go HOME mom come here and take me HOME dad I don’t wanna be a superhero anymore.”

Last night I was at a party in a hotel lobby so many hotel lobbies wait oh my god whats that smell oh god its that smell they told me about it just smells like the world gone wrong i bet cormac mccarthy imagined it smelled like this when he was writing that novelization of the tv show the walking dead based on the comic the walking dead but i think he called it the road and i think it came first this is what zombies smell like i bet but theyre real people THEYRE REAL PEOPLE.

Thomas Friedman once wrote a book called the world is flat i didnt read it and i think he was talking about politics or the middle east or something or i dont know but im pretty sure he was talknig about this place this floor its flat flat escalator flat and it goes on for miles and everything I KNOW YOU’RE JUST DOING YOUR JOB BUT STOP TELLING ME WHERE TO SIT I LIKE THIS CHAIR JUST FINE grant morrison did an interpretive dance.

so anyways last night i was in this hotel lobby and then i got introduced to this pretty famous comic writer guy and i started pitching him my comic thats about apocryphal romance stories from milton berle’s teenage years and he stared at me like were that father and son in that book the chosen and i told him that i wanted to shave off my sidelocks father and i dont think i like wearing phylacteries very much father where was i oh yeah so he was looking at me and he didnt say anything so i got up in his face real close and i stared him in the eye and then i grabbed his necktie with one hand and with the other hand i slapped him across his face not once not twice but thrice once with the front of my hand and twice with the back after the second one a single tear went down his cheek and i looked at him and i said “when youre ready to get serious and i mean really serious and i dont think that you are yet but when you are then pick up the phone any phone and dial the number 14 and i will answer.”