The Unlimited Potential of Aquaman’s New Powers
So if you read Brightest Day #1, then you learned that thanks to the whole Black Lantern situation, Aquaman now has the ability to control dead sealife. Click here for a lovely example, or as my young protégé Max puts it, “in DC Universe, shark jumps you!”
If I know anything about DC Comics, I know where this is heading. Aquaman will feel conflicted about this, there will be some sort of dramatic revelation, Aquaman will redeem himself and somewhere along the way more people will probably lose their arms. At no point in this predicted narrative will anyone at DC take the time to truly exploit the possibilities of these this new powers. This is because they are awful people.
There are options. Here’s three of them.
1. Sushi Chef
Imagine that you walk into a sushi joint for dinner, and oh hey it’s Aquaman behind the counter! What’s that? You want some salmon rolls but first you want the salmon to reenact the Civil War with the tuna playing the Confederate army? Aquaman can do that for you! WITH HIS MIND!
Moving on…
2. Seattle Fish Thrower
The Pike Place Fish Market in Seattle is world famous for its fish-tossing fishmongers. Overlooking the fact that Aquaman isn’t really the biggest fan of the fishing industry, I think he could really find a home here. And he would easily become the star attraction; while everyone else is throwing dead fish with their hands, Aquaman can do it WITH HIS MIND! He could probably make them dance like the Rockettes and sing to tourists too!!! (At this point, it would be perfectly reasonable for me to link to that “gimme back my filet of fish” commercial from McDonald’s. I should probably do that because Aquaman could make those commercials much more realistic, but I will not link to this video for the simple reason that I hate it with all my heart and soul. Thanks for understanding!)
And finally…
3. This guy
Muppet Lew Zealand is a fish tosser with a twist: his fish are boomerang fish and they always come back to him. Aquaman would be perfect as this guy because not only could he get the fish to boomerang, he could get them to fly anywhere! And he would do it WITH HIS MIND!
4 Comments
I stopped reading after “protege Max” and went to write about it in my diary.
You referring to him as “This guy” made me LOL. FR! IRL!
I want a Brightest Day special in which Aquaman slings dead fish at Boston Brand, who just keeps bringing them back to life.
Oh great, because now he’s going to use his powers to bring back Tempest and Dolphin and Koryak and that giant seahorse he used to ride, and they’re all going to be zombies, and he’ll be angsty and broody, and it’ll be Pet Sematery but underwater. Bright!