Seriously, someecards is the best website ever. You should totally set up an account there and try doing this. It’s really fun.

A Baby Card for Wanda Maximoff

Maybe if someone had acknowledged this, she wouldn’t have gone insane and gotten rid of all the mutants.

An Encouragement Card for Aquaman

Sometimes it’s hard when you’re the King of the Sea and then you get your hand cut off and then you get turned into a crazy octopus-faced guy, and then you get killed and turned into a zombie and then brought back to life. Sometimes you just need to lie in bed, squeeze your stuffed seahorse and cry a little bit before you’re ready to get back into the water.

A Wedding Card for Mary Jane Watson

As if your life isn’t totally better off without that awkward, irresponsible putz. Did you really want to spend the rest of your life helping a guy get web fluid out of his tights? You’re a damn supermodel. Of course you didn’t. Great power, blah blah blah.

A Note from Ronnie Raymond to Jason Rusch

Look, maybe I got turned into a Black Lantern and then took over your body and turned your girlfriend into a pillar of salt while you were forced to watch, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends, right?

A Sympathy Card for Arsenal

How about a new arm, son? Would you a like a new arm? And then I’ll take you out for an ice cream cone and you can hold it with your new arm. Would you like that, son?

A Sympathy Card for Donna Troy

At least you didn’t go and make out with your zombie husband like Beast Boy did with his old girlfriend. That was just disgusting.

Good god, but I am having fun with this. I might just keep doing this forever. You should do it too. I bet you’re much funnier than I am.

…Are you there, God? It’s me, Wolkin.